


The Truth About Book Lists

by DramaticMarvel



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Confessions, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 02:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18356807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticMarvel/pseuds/DramaticMarvel
Summary: Jared finds out about Evan trying to read Connor's favorite books.  Once Jared finds out about the books that were listed he has a strong opinion on the validity of the list.  Turns out there is a reason Jared might have a strong opinion on the list of books.





	The Truth About Book Lists

It was Saturday night and Jared had found himself at Evan for a sleepover under the pretense that his parents were going to allow him to go away for spring break if he did. Of course at this point Evan had figured that Jared was all talk and no bite but if that is what he needed to say to make himself feel better it was only Evan’s feelings getting hurt and not any of the walls Jared built up for his castle. Plus Evan’s mom was always gone so they were mostly able to do whatever they wanted which was usually watching horror movies, because Jared loved making Evan jump, which was much better than Jared’s house which was filled with far too many siblings and parents.

The two had gone up to Evan’s room to grab a few things before starting the movie when Jared noticed a book sitting split down the middle on Evan’s bookshelf. “Why the fuck are you reading Ready Player One?” Jared asked, dropping onto Evan’s bed, flipping through the pages aimlessly. “That’s not your kind book. Trying to get into a girls pants?”

Evan let out a squeak out as he reached for the book. “Hey, um, no, just give it back.”

Jared turned his back to Evan laughing. “Oh come on. Just tell me. What is she ugly or something.”

“No! I mean no. I mean there isn’t a girl.” Evan tried to explain as he tried to reach around and grab the book from Jared who seemed determined to keep it out of reach.

“Oooh a boy? I knew it!” Jared cackled as he turn as he read from the pages. “ _‘I was in love with her. I could feel it, deep in the soft, chewy caramel center of my being.’_ Dude what kind of nerd are you trying to hook up with?”

“I’m not trying trying to hook up with anyone!” Evan shrieked, his face turning bright red.

“Well why else would you read this book?” Jared asked, tipping his glasses forward. “Don’t you usually stick with those happy romance movies?”

“Okay fine. You want to know why I’m reading this book-”

“-I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”

“I found a list of Connor Murphy’s favorite books from the eighth grade and I though, maybe if I read them…” Evan trailed off when he noticed at Jared was staring at him with the most unreadable expression on his face. It was unsettling to say the least, Jared Kleinman was known for being very open with his expressions, something Evan was usually grateful for since it made him easy enough to read. “Can you say something...please?”

Instead Jared just started laughing. It started as a light chuckle that worked its way up to a full body laugh. “That’s the lamest thing I’ve heard in awhile.”

“It’s not lame.” Evan said quietly, pushing his hands into his pockets, “It’s just...after everything...I don't know I thought it was a way to get to know him.”

“Seriously? You thought you could get to know the school freak through a book list from the eighth grade.” Jared laughed, though they were slowly dying down. “Can I see the list?”

“You’re just going to laugh at me.” Evan said, though he made his way over to the desk where he had keep the journal he had found the list in.

“Oh I don’t need this list to do it.” Jared said sitting up on the bed and snatching the list from him. Evan took this opportunity to grab the book Jared had discarded and place it on the shelf opposite the bed before turning back to Jared who seemed to actually be studying the list intently.

When Jared hadn’t said anything for a few minutes, Evan asked. “So...what do you think?”

“Same as before. It’s bullshit.” Jared laughed leaning back. “Come on, half of these aren’t favorite type books but books you just put them on a favorites list because you read them recently. I mean John Grisham is on the list.  _John Grisham_!”

“I don’t know? He could have liked John Grisham. I don’t know what he would have liked. Nobody does, that’s why I’m trying.” Evan tried to explain. “After everything we did, I kind feel like I owe it to him.”

“ _We_?!” Jared said jumping off the bed.

“ _I_...everything _I_  did.” Evan tried to cover himself. “It’s not much, but it’s the best thing I can think of.”

“Psh do you know how much a person’s taste could change in four years? There is no Stephen King, no Unwind series, no Fun Home. Do you know how excited he was when I gave him Fun Home?”

“I get that...I mean…” Evan paused tilting his head slightly. “What do you mean you?”

“It was the royal you stupid. Like I’d have anything to do with Hot Topic.” Jared said quickly. “Did you start your English homework?”

“No, you said you gave him Fun House?” Evan said slowly as if each word was a mystery. “And how would you know what books he read?”

Jared stared for a moment, his hands curling around the journal in his hand, the pages curling up in his hands. “Look you need to clean out your ears, you got dirt in there or something. Now did you start the English homework or not because-”

“Jared!” Evan cried, reaching out but hesitating before grabbing Jared’s wrists. “I just -I mean I don’t -I mean -did you ever talk to Connor?”

“No. I mean, fuck you, why would I hang out with the lost Fall Out Boy?” Jared said, his words started strong but turned to a whisper with each word.

“Jared-” Evan started.

“-I mean it's not like we did a lot of talking.” He cut in, his eyes focused just behind Evan. Not wanting to look down, but not willing to meet his eye.

Evan sucked in a breath, staring at Jared with wide eyes. “W-what do you mean by-”

“I used to spend a lot of time with his tongue in my mouth.” Jared said, tossing his hands in the air frantically and looking at Evan for the first time in awhile. “Happy?”

Evan felt his knees start to shake as he sat himself on the chair next to his desk. “Jared, that’s not a funny joke. I mean-”

“Yeah…” Jared cut him off and Jared turned to look at Evan. “Right I was just making a funny joke. That’s what I’m good for…”

“Jared-” Evan tried to cut in but he couldn’t find the right words to finish the sentence.

“No I mean I was just pulling your leg, you’re so easy to mess with.” Jared laughed, but it wasn’t his usual laugh it was much tighter and his eyes stayed in the constant alert position.

Evan hovered awkwardly. He had a choice, he could either go with it or he could press on. “Yeah, yeah I’m easy to mess with.” Evan conceded. “I mean I’m sure you would have said something when it happened. Everyone else was taking advantage of his death, nobody would have questioned it.”

That seemed to be the right thing to say because Jared dropped the journal and slid back onto the bed. “Yeah, Of course. Unless you actually killed the dude.”

There was a moment of silence, Jared staring at Evan and Evan opening and closing his mouth, unsure what to say except. “Well it was a suicide? He killed himself?”

“Yeah...yeah he did.” Jared said slowly flopping back onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling. There room fell to silence and Evan was almost sure Jared had fallen asleep. “But I was the asshole who broke him.”

Evan felt shivers run up and down his spine at the cold tone of Jared’s voice. “I don’t think calling him school shooter-”

“I broke up with him.” Jared said coldly, sitting up to look Evan dead in the eye. He didn’t have the mischievous look on his face that he usually had when he messed with Evan, which was most of the time. No, this was cold and hard, he looked at Evan as if daring him to push his buttons.

“You, um, you, dated?” Evan said, trying to piece together what he was hearing. “I mean you -you dated -you dated Connor?!” Each phrase grew more and more frantic until he was shrieking. Suddenly he was very glad his mom picked up another shift.

“No.” Jared said quickly, his cold look fading. “Yes. I mean no we weren’t really dating. Defining that sort of thing is totally uncool.” He explained quickly before falling silent. “But I think he wanted to.” Evan wasn’t good with words but even he could hear the unspoken _‘I wanted to too’_.

“Are you messing with me?” Evan asked, looking around to see if this was some kind of weird prank video Jared was trying to make for his amusement. When Jared didn’t answer he got up and sat next to him. It was only then he noticed the small track of tears behind Jared’s glasses, causing Evan to take a deep inhale of breath.

“We fought right before I went to camp and he went to rehab. I was so mad at him because I didn’t get what he actually wanted. I went a fucked some kid at camp because I was pissed.” Jared said trailing off. “It was stupid. And then I got stupider and told him when I got back. Less than a week later he was dead.”

“Jared-”

“Don’t,” Jared cut in, wiping his eyes sharply. “Now you know. You can go around telling everyone.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone.” Evan said, scooting closer to Jared while not quite touching him. “Though I mean I’m sure the Murphy’s would love to hear about this. I mean, it’s up to you, obviously.”

“‘Hey guys, I’m the reason your son killed himself wanna invite me in?’, yeah no thanks.” Jared mimicked, Evan winced. There was a silence as Jared flopped back on the bed, closing his eyes. “He did love me….I think.”

“Yeah.” Evan said unsurely but falling back on the bed next to Jared.

“I think...I think I love him too.” Jared confessed, his voice catching at the end. Evan didn’t know what to say, instead he just lay there next to Jared not moving. After a few moments Jared scooted closer, not overly close but just enough so their arms were touching. The two lay in silence until Jared’s breathing slowly steadied out followed by Evan. In the morning, Evan would pointedly made a choice not to say anything about what was said. Though Evan made a point of adding the books Jared mentioned to his Amazon cart, knowing he may never know the real Connor, but at least someone might have. 


End file.
